why i barely upload on my blog in these past few months

BTS Disband?

Hey Algos! How are you?

It has been so long since the last time I update this blog

As I always said, there’s a lot of things going on right now

Mentally, physically

Friendship, Education

A lot. But here I am again.

Trying to express my taught and just sharing things with y’all

Or else I don’t know what I would do

I might be crazy in this state if I keep holding it back.

After watching BTS speech as an Artist of The Year at MAMA 2018 in Hongkong, I cried. Of course! I’ve been following their path since 2015 when they released I Need You.

Jin said, “Earlier this year, we were quite tired mentally. So, as we walked together we even considered disbanding. But we really get a hold of ourselves and, to have been able to achieve such great results, I think it such a relief”

I just want to give them a big appreciation in this post. Thank you for being exist in this world. Thank you for creating such an inspiring song. Thank you for raising awareness about mental issues and your meaningful Love Yourself campaign. Thank you for helping me through my lowest point with your song. Thank you for not getting disband this year even though I’m sure you guys went through a lot of bad things. Thank you I really appreciate it. You guys are the best gift that God has create it for me. For all ARMY around the world.

Yeah, I used to be a person that doesn’t know what the meaning of depression, anxiety, mental illness, etc. I have my first theater about that kind of topic that acquire me to research about it. I asked my friend about it. I asked them how people feeling depressed. How they can even think about suicidal attempt. Why they have those kind of feeling in the first place. I never experience this kind of feelings before, cause I belief that if I have a problem or anxiety about something, God will help me. It’s called faith. I am a religious person. I believe in Allah. I am a Muslim. I believe everything that happen in the past, present, future is the best path that Allah decide for you. Even in my worst day, I kept telling myself that all of those bad things will pass, hang on there and just ask help to Allah and you’ll be fine. I’m good at holding back you know. And yeah it works for me. At least until this point.

                

               Now, I understand. But in this state, after went to this school for about 4 months, my mind just went insane. I just felt that my brain doesn’t worked the way it does back then. My logic found it difficult to decide or just to accept things. It’s like my brain is forced to think all the time about everything and plan it out and then when the times comes, the results will not ever be the way I want. It made me stress and blame myself for all the things that has had happened. I also felt like I’m not as religious as I used to be. The way I proceed something now is different. I know all the answer to the question in my head, I know which one is wrong which one is right and what decision to take, but sometimes my head just find a new way to think about something which I don’t even know whether it is right or wrong. A lost sheep I would say.   

Let me tell you, being in UWC is not as easy as you see. For me it takes time, mind, body, energy to just adjust to the society. Yeah sure you guys might be surprise by all the things I’m going to say in this post, because I never express it in my Instagram, Youtube, Snapchat, and any other social media. All the things you see in my InstaStory was not as beautiful as it seems. I’m not saying it’s fake, it’s just there’s another whole story outside that people won’t know unless I exposed it by myself. And here I am talking about it. I’m going to be very honest and frontal here.

For Education I’m fine. It may get harder once I got back from winter break, but I can handle it. This is not the main reason why my brain is just mixed up now. I’d say it mostly come from the society. It comes from people around me including myself. First of all, I’m that kind of person who gives a shit about what other people think about me. I want to be a perfect human being. Doing well in school, smart, social butterfly, can explain things well in English, skinny, not looking like a stupid, fame, trustable, great future plan, beautiful, confident, etc. Although I MIGHT achieved some of those back in my old school, but here is totally different. I need to build it up again. I need to start from zero which I get it it’ll be hard as heck which makes me frustrated and ended up blaming myself for not accept it that I lose. Second, I’m not confident in myself. I can be really overthinking sometimes.  When I want to speak up in class or just share my thought or opinion with others, I’d be “what I f I messed up and can’t explain it well cause I’m suck in English.” When I want to approach someone, I’d be “oh gosh what if they don’t like me cause I’m boring and I’m not fun enough to hang out with.” When I want to make content only talking and doing something in front of camera, I’d be “nah this gonna be no jam video and I look so ugly in the video.” When I’m in a group of people but feeling like I’m out of place and not even deserve to be there cause you’re not belong there. it's just a feeling that I get, I just feel like I'm not wanted in a room and that your presence to somebody else is not taken seriously, I’d be like “see this is why people don’t hang out with me, I’m not fun! They just being kind cause you looked pitiful there!” and a lot more bad though that I knew it’s so not healthy for you mental health but it keep going on and on in my head.

See guys this is the real me. You can decide what you want to think about me now. I’d say I really had a lot of insecurities and anxiety for these past few months. And it’s December! A couple more days to new year! Which means I really want to get rid of these dark side of myself. I really want to fill my head with a lot more healthy thought. I want to tell myself that it is okay to have a weakness and not being perfect. Like what Jeremy Zucker said in his song comethru.

“I’m trying to realize. It’s alright to not be fine. On your own.”

I’m going to try to be a better person next year. I’ll try to be more confident in myself and prove it to the world by action not only in my head. And of course I’m sorry to make this anticipated-post after a while and also last-not-so-last post in 2018 become so dark. I’ll post more fun stuff in the future and post regularly once a week (it’s in my 2019 revolution!) and post twice a month for youtube video (this one as well!!) Also thank you for read this long post till the end and I really hope you guys have a great year and time with your beloved people around you! Thank you so much for all the support in this blog and youtube. I really appreciate it and it is also one of the reason I’m still hanging on here and not giving up for myself. Terimakasih. Adios~