I guess I'm not in the US anymore...

If you'd ask someone to describe UWC, freedom would be in one of those answers. Many people come to uwc and realized how much freedom they have on campus compared to home. This also includes me. I still remember the fear and constant shouting from my mom telling me to do something. It wasn't an abusive shouting or things that are in the same line with that. It was just the routine that our family has since calling my siblings in a normal tone is not loud enough to be heard from the second floor. I'm actually pretty lucky with my family. We never face hunger, basic necessities always fulfilled, loving and caring sisters and parents, and great accommodation and other luxury things. But what I realized a bit problematic was the shouting and the norm of forcing someone to do something in the matter of religion. Okay okay, let me lay out one by one for each layer so it won't be too confusing to you.

The feeling that I am facing right now is full of frustration and irritated at the same time with the people surrounding me in the house. Of course, I am happy with the fact that I'm home, able to tase my mom's food (as she's a great cook and baker), talk and joke around with my siblings, or just helping my dad fixing something in the house. But it was a completely different environment and the sudden change adding to that matter. I'm used to being respected and adored and feel precious when I'm on campus. The people I surround myself with was one of many great and supportive people. We never say something as simple as "You gained weight?" "Your skin became darker?" that has the possibility to hurt someone's feeling. Conversation throughout the day was always positive and heartwarming. We understand fully what does it mean to talk deliberately to not hurt someone's feeling or just simply respect each other as a human. In the house, right now, the common jokes or conversation that I wasn't aware it was problematic back then, seems like a very racist, homophobic, and mean jokes. It brings me into this thought of, "Woah, I was really part of this society back then. A society that talks meanly to each other with the purpose of hurting their feeling to gain the pleasure of 'winning' over that person.". It fears me how if I stayed here till I leave the country for college, it would also change my perspective, norm, habit, and way of thinking.

Another form of freedom that I want to mention here is about my religion. I don't know enough about the real meaning and message inside Islam (if there's ever one), but I want to learn. I've always had a feeling of questioning my religion's practices. It become much more clearer when I was in the States, away from this very traditionalist or conservative believer if you allowed me to label it that way even though it wasn't the best label. The religion that I was being told was going through so many challenges and obstacles during my time in UWC. Some of them are nice, strengthen my faith, but some also failed me as a Muslim. I wish I have a strong willingness to learn the religion from a more modern and global perspective, but I admit I'm not that committed as well. I want to believe what I was being told, but challenges keep coming. I know people may say it should make your faith stronger but hey, don't talk as if you've been there. This also goes to my parents, siblings, and friends who act like they knew what was going on in my head this past year. They don't know what hardship and a journey I've been through yet they talk as if nothing is wrong and everything is the same. It is also impossible to try to make them understand, It'll just be a waste of time. Yeah, my mind is a mess string that doesn't have any beginning or end.

I don't ask much from my family or the people that I've encountered or will do so in the future. I know Islam is a great religion, I believe so. It taught us how to live in this world properly. I respect and do have faith in that. The person I am right now is the product of my parents' belief in the religion and I practice what was right in my opinion based on my religion. I wear hijab as well and this whole spiritual journey was between me and Allah. None of my family, friends, or people should interfere with it trying to change my opinion or forcing me to do anything. If you believe Allah will lead me into the right path, then do so pray that it'll happen because I believe in that too. But I am not in favor with the fact that prayers were being forced to me, married being arranged and already forced to me (start thinking about marriage!), or just simply ask me to do more than what I could do in terms of practices such as sunnah prayers, Dzikir, read Qur'an, etc. I'm still grateful and in need of parents' guidance and alerts, but I also do have the right to choose what's right for me, what I want. My position, thoughts, and spiritual exploration may not get transferred well through this post, but at least I have my own stand and I am working on that. This journey is never-ending till the day I die. I wanted to take it slowly but surely. I want to find the answer by myself without anyway forcing me to. I am aware of my parents' expectation but I am also in search of my own ambitions, goals, and life plan. I just requested all the people I've mentioned before to pray for me. This fight won't be easy. It will be long and tiring, but I won't give up. Allah will guide me and I believe in that.

Aside from religion, this whole world isn't about just that. I know they said religion has all implications on every aspect of your life, idk if I 100% believe in that. I've witnessed many Muslims focused on achieving Jannah but don't care even the slightest for the world. There are so many people suffering from threats, environmental issues, human rights problems, poverty, injustice, murder, political wars, and other themes that are going on daily in this life. They may not have the time to get introduced to what is Islam. The only thing they know is to get by daily by making money to fulfill basic necessities. They don't choose this life, they don't. Ulama say we shouldn't question Allah's decision or actions, but sometimes for these people, I have doubt on my belief. I know I shouldn't but, why not? It doesn't make sense and again, people would say not everything has to make sense and it's called Iman toward Allah. You worship Allah so you have to give your trust to Allah. I know and I am aware of all those contradictory arguments against mine. But still, when I see news about what my sisters and brothers (same human being) faced daily, it makes me angry. It pisses me off how people are so ignorant about it in my country, especially my kind, Muslims. At this time of the day when I daydream about these issues is where I missed my UWC community the most. They would understand, they would even the most non-religious or Atheist even.

Oh wow, I rant a lot today haha. But it does make me feel a bit lighter to put some of my worries here. The last thing I want to say, I do believe religion is our purpose of life, at least for now that's what I believe in, but I also willing to dedicate myself to contribute to this cruel world for the sake of mankind. Religion will always be my life-long journey but doing good deeds in this world for everyone regardless of their race, nationality, religion, physical appearance, is also my priority living this life. Till next time, Algos~