social media is killing me

Sometimes I was wondering if social media really do have benefits on us as a user. During this stressful time of the year, we as humans tend to get bored easily and feeling lost. It is what I experienced these days since I came back from the states. I was not quite sure what I should be working on. Online classes were just online classes and I'm basically done with almost everything except two more economics written assignments. I have been trying to find what I want to do and how to release this suffocating feeling inside me. Then, I tried what everyone has been doing: cooking, socmed all day, binging Netflix, etc. I even try to work out and do some yoga exercises.

This post I want to specifically talk about the toxicity of social media. It may not be true for everyone but at least this is how this toxic cycle keeps repeating. First, you have lots of time in hand and the easiest and the closest escape room is social media. So you open Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, or whatever platform you were using. Then you would spend hours and hours just lying in your bed and hurting your eyes while experiencing temporary excitement through whatever content you were looking at. This is the time where all the negativity coming in. For me, when I open Instagram the content I was looking for is related to Korean culture, some beauty bloggers from Indonesia or western, news account to update my insignificant knowledge, and possibly some cooking video and makeup. When I scroll down through my explore, that's what I see in addition to scrolling down feeds and IG story. As time passes, I wonder the time I've spent here and the outcomes that I get in the end. The answer is barely important.

What I get after scrolling for hours is the feeling of ungrateful, jealousy, wanting to have more, wanting to get known by people, hate thoughts of people's content, etc. I am not in favor of this, anymore. I have had enough of these negative thoughts inside me and I don't want to add any more. Of course, I've found it interesting and fun. It is funny and entertaining, but by looking at the fake story, fake glamorous life that people have, it makes you lose your mind. You started to think about what you have and what you don't have. You started comparing yourself with others. "Wish I could have that" "Wish I was born like that" "Wish I had live in a different country" "Wish I am not part of this sickening environment I am currently in" and the thoughts go on.

I am a person who (try to) value humanity, environment, people, mental health, and positivity throughout my life. I want to make use of myself to the best of my abilities. I am a lazy person at birth but have the willingness and desire to change and be an active person instead. I have personal goals related to myself which I want to achieve. I don't like being seen as a weak woman, unintelligence girl, dissatisfied with my physical appearance, and not being a grateful human with what I have. I am in the process of cutting those thoughts out of my head or at least pushing it down to the deepest box inside me. But social media aren't helping me. They make it worse, act as oil making the flames bigger. 

When I look at influencers or YouTubers, I am in jealousy wishing that I could become like them with all their fame and income. Then I realize they're job is contradicting with my values. They buy things as they wish not because they need it, adding to consumerism and away from minimalism. I want to have that fame and additional income while doing what I love such as inspire other people. But to do that, I don't know how to start. Lots of resources, lots of effort. When I think of that, I would be afraid that people wouldn't like my video, my content isn't as creative as I hope, people would judge and hate me. This cycle keeps going round and round in my head, wasting the time of unnecessary thoughts that I could have made use of it for something else.

When I look at Korean pop cultures such as idols and others, I got brainwashed daily of their beauty standards. Looking at their porcelain skin and skinny waist put some weights on my shoulders telling me to be like them. Forcing me to believe that beauty is defined in one way like them, or western people with beautiful hazel eyes, or not at all. Then this goes to "I need to lose weight" "I am not pretty" "No one would want to be my friend when I enter college later" "I wish I was born with that eyes and body" etc. Again, it repeats and repeats. Is this normal to think this way? Is it really? How can I remove it and just like focus on myself? Self-development. Shut down all my social media to avoid such negativity inside me? I don't know the answer. Even when I want to quit, it is not easy.

It is almost Ramadhan and maybe closer to the first day I would be able to let go of this. I also want to create a template for my Ramadhan here! Like a spread, reflection prompts to guide my journaling! Let's see...