Uncertainty on the age of 19

Yes, today marked the second day of BANGBANGCON. I was watching their comment on the closing of BTS CONCERT WINGS FINALE. They brought me in tears. I can't believe I watch the group who I first only thought of a group of another Korean idol. I was first caught up by Jungkook's performance in 2015 for I NEED YOU. Yes, they used to be only handsome boys who I always looked up and cheers on. Well, now it has shifted. They've become the savior of me. The stars who walk with me through the darkest tunnel. My mikrokosmos. My wings who help me rise up again when I feel down. They have grown so big which pushes me to now think big about myself.

The same day, I also asked watched GitaSav lifestream during the pandemic. I was lucky enough to ask a question, which then got answered by her before the live stream ends. The question was about how to cope with this feeling of being away from my culture in Indonesia but as well as the difference I felt living in Indonesia after two years studying abroad. Her answer was focusing on independence that we have when we were abroad and how even two years of your life away from here, it already is different when we try to reconnect with our old environment. It amazed me on how exactly she got my mind. I was pleased with her answer and it made me think deeper than ever. This is why I wanted to write on my blog, my sincere feeling of these mixed feelings.

I have quite often wondered about my future, where do I belong, what legacy I wanted to leave for the people around me, what is my passion, and just in general what is next after this lockdown and stay at the home situation we all currently in. During this pandemic, I really want to enjoy my free time to the fullest, watching all my favorite tv shows, movies, K-dramas, but I also look forward to what I want to focus on next. 

These past years during high school I have always know what I want and I worked hard for that. When I first enter high school in Indonesia, I know I wanted to build recognition from people around me and contribute to my school. Therefore I became one of the members of our basketball team. I got to know and talk to more people because of that. In my second year, I want to display my passion for leadership and organization in school. After trying to build on my skills, learn from my classmates, break the barriers and use my public speaking in front of everyone in the school, I achieved one of the highest positions in the Student Council. Yup, I became the vice president of the student council. Oh, I still remembered the counting days after the election process. Not long after that, I was focused on applying to UWC. When I was supposed to wrap up my position and get ready for the last year of my high school life, I was preparing for my possible future life as an international student. And during those best two years' journey in my life, I only have one purpose. Get the best out of this experience and try to see another possibility to improve and improve myself as a human being. This means gets any ideas of what I could do for my country, what I could do to get a good college, to study abroad again, to get a scholarship, etc. Now, here I am. Done with that whole experience of being part of a global family, uwcers, and now faced with the reality of college. Okay, that is a long-ass paragraph. Let me get started to the actual intention of this blog. 

Doing art, music, and creating something creative always seems inspiring and way out of reach for me. I was born and raised in a family that does not believe in art at all. Well, except my brother who somehow becomes a graphic designer lol. But I wish I was born with art! I also have a big interest in media, entertainment, journalist, and digital marketing. Everything that becomes my hobby turns out to be something fun that I wanted to try to put my feet in it for a short time at least. 

But as how life always gets, not everything works out the way you want it. I show my art through my writing. Yup this blog. Youtube and Instagram become my next platform because of my experience in UWC which I could turn into as content. But I have no confidence in doing so. Imposter Syndrome always presents in my head. Not being enough, not doing well, afraid of what others would see from me. I was watching this account called The Bliss Bean and it gave me some comfort. It feels like deep down I have the right intention but doing the process, other intention started to crawling in or maybe it wasn't my intention but the intentions of what others see but it is growing inside of me. You know when someone accused you of stealing which you don't but you started to doubt yourself

? That is the feeling I have right now. I don't know if I have enough courage to bear the hardship, bear the risk, the uncertainty in this field. In terms of media, I have started way earlier but no significant progress has been made. I had the background of public speaking and broadcasting, however, it never ends well. I guess it wasn't really my passion. 

It comes to the last bit of my thoughts today. I am not quite sure of how my brains, desire, fate, and future would hold, but I am certain of one thing. One day, I would able to overcome this negativity and insecurity of my own. I would soon find the activities that I love the most. I would find the real value that I want to hold on the next part of my journey. I would find my significant other at the right time. I would find the field that I enjoy working on but also provide me with income. I would find my own family. And soon I would find my purpose in life.  

The uncertainty that I experienced at the age of 19 will be remembered as those old days of me walking through the dry desert without any guidance. But it will come to an end. It will.