uncertainty and vulnerability

"You are coming back to Indonesia after college, if you have not married I won't let you stay there by yourself!"

Last phone call I made with my Mom before the end of the year. She already set the limitations through what I need to do. I do not know how I felt about that. I don't even know if I'm gonna get into any of the colleges here. I have so many unanswered questions in my head right now. Why do I need to be married? Do I want to have a child despite all the downside of it as I was taught here? What if I didn't get into college? What if I am a shame for my family and myself for not being able to get into colleges here? Am I really capable of continuing my education here, in the US or maybe Canada or even the UK? If the worst happens, do I really want to go back to Indonesia? What do I really really passionate about? The purpose of living is to worship God, yes I am aware it is just a short trip before the day of justice later in the afterlife. But, throughout the process we are also expected to do good for this world, right? By any means, my picture of doing good is not in Indonesia anymore. I can't seem to imagine myself living in Indonesia anymore with my developed and growth perspectives of the world. I know my families are still there, all my childhood memories are still fresh exist there, but I just don't feel belong there or here. I feel I have to live up to a greater purpose in my future life, who knows what. During the journey of finding it, I have a feeling that I would not be able to achieve if I am going back to Indonesia. Am I brave enough to step out of my real comfort zone and really going out to the wild and explore it on my own? Ignoring what everyone else opinion, focusing on my goals and expedition, and really be real to yourself about your passion rather than just follow the traditional step in which not really appealing anymore. 

Yes, that paragraph above was just super random and pretty much capture most of the thoughts that I had daily. It was not always beautiful. This UWC experience is not a flowery road that everyone thought of. It is full of exploration, a realization of yourself, and observation towards your surroundings. The journey is full of darkness, doubt, disappointment, interruption, and discovery. Yes, exactly like you were trapped inside a maze for two years and when you finally out of the maze full with all the expert knowledge you had, you don't know what to do. 

What making me sick even more is the fact that this whole uncertainty I've experienced is not gonna go away anytime soon. Frustrated at me for not having a strong will to search, not having enough interest to finish it by maybe sacrificing other else. I could see how this discovery will take ages to get done or maybe till my last day as a lifetime expedition. It is not a complaint, it just a statement to wake me up for the dreams I have always had and face reality. Sooner or later, or it may already happen, this impacts my wellbeing physically and mentally. Physically most of it because sometimes when I got to deep in this thought, I will ignore all the plans and goals I have and just eat all shitty food, not going to the gym to exercise, and really ignore everything and be lazy for a week. Mentally, oh well it affects a lot of its sub-categorized. 

Being vulnerable is one of them. During the break, I bought a book titled Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I can't finish the book before school starts and I'm still at the beginning of the book. However, I was able to draw a couple of lessons throughout my short period of time spent on it. I am a very sentimental person, I could be having a breakdown anytime if I can't hold the burden longer. I don't like someone see me cry so I always cry by myself and locked everyone else out. I do not want to share my weaknesses as I always thought it is something embarrassing. I don't like people pity me. I don't like if people look down on me. I want to be seen as a flawless person that has nothing to be embarrassed about or at least being proud of my flaw which I am trying to. When I read that book, being vulnerable isn't necessarily being weak and being okay with that. Accepting vulnerability inside you is the bravest thing one could ever do. It isn't easy to acknowledge your weaknesses, being okay with it, and being open that yes I am not perfect and I am okay with people seeing me like that. I learned from the book that everyone should dare to be vulnerable as it really helps you to get to know yourself. I am not the best at retelling story or anything in the same line as that, so read the book if you're curious about it. I am just super grateful as that book gave me assurance about being vulnerable.

I guess I will close this year and decade with this post. I am looking forward to next year!! Happy New Year Algos!!!